1. Don't ask one employee a question and then, dissatisfied with the response, ask the employee ten feet away the same question, hoping for a different response. I CAN HEAR YOU. Either you think I'm a total moron or you think that I care so much about you that I am deliberately misleading you vis-a-vis library policies. Either way: Bite me. And get over yourself.

2. Don't send your child to check out alone when you know you have an exorbitant fine. Making me tell a six-year-old that he can't check out his videos because he owes us $25 is just low. Also, when I send the child to fetch you so we can work the problem out, do not send him back to me repeatedly to ask what the fines are for and to haggle a price that he has to pay to have your card un-blocked. I hate you.

3. We are not a grocery store. Do not stare at us icily, waiting for us to bag your books.

4. Don't walk up to my desk and take the pen/pad of sticky notes/rubberband that is sitting DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME ON MY DESK without asking and walk away. For the love of God people, what is wrong with you?

5. Never open with "I don't know anything about computers..." That is the precise moment I check out of our interaction. Any request that follows is only going to be painful, frustrating and life-absorbing. The moment you utter those words I start trying to get rid of you.